Please Hear What I'm Not Saying!
Don't be fooled by me.
Don't be fooled by the face I wear.
For I wear a mask, I wear a thousand masks.
Masks that I'm afraid to take off,
and none of them are me.
Pretending is an art that's second nature with me,
but don't be fooled.
I give you the impressions that I'm secure,
that all is sunny and unruffled with me, within as well as without,
that confidence is my name and coolness is my game,
that the water's calm and I'm in command,
and that I need no one.
My surface may seem smooth, but my surface is my mask,
my ever-varying and ever-concealing mask.
Beneath dwells the real me in confusion, in fear, in aloneness.
But I have learned to hide this.
I don't want anybody to know it.
I panic at the thought of my weakness and fear being exposed.
That's why I frantically create a mask to hide behind,
a nonchalant, sophisticated facade, to help me pretend.
It's the only thing that can liberate me, from myself,
from my own self-built prison walls,
from the barriers that I so painstakingly erect.
It's the only thing that will assure me of what I can't assure myself,
that I'm really worth something.
I'm afraid your glance will not be followed by acceptance and love.
I'm afraid you'll think less of me, that you'll laugh,
and your laugh would wound me.
I'm afraid that deep down I'm not much,
and you will see this and reject me.
So I play my game, my pretending game.
So when I'm going through my routine do not be fooled by what
I'm saying.
Please listen carefully and try to hear what I'm not saying,
what I'd like to be able to say, but can't.
Who am I, you may wonder,
I am someone you know very well,
For I am every woman that has relinquished her child to adoption!
Bonnie Geddes
